


Road work ahead

by Howling_Harpy



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Dysfunctional Family, M/M, New Jersey Blues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Relationship Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26045515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howling_Harpy/pseuds/Howling_Harpy
Summary: Some car rides are more important than others.
Relationships: Lewis Nixon/Richard Winters
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	Road work ahead

**Author's Note:**

> This is a result of a simple prompt I got on tumblr about PTSD and how Dick and Nix should deal with it as a couple. This is one moment in their relationship, fit into one short fic.
> 
> Please enjoy.
> 
> *
> 
> **Discaimer:** This is a work of fiction based on the HBO's drama series and the actors' portrayals in it. This has nothing to do with any real person represented in the series and means no disrespect.

It was so late at night that even the punishing August heat was easing off when Dick was driving them home from the Nixon family home. Lewis was too drunk to sit straight even in the car, but the familiar numbness that whiskey brought was worth it. 

Dick was quiet as he drove, but Lewis knew he was extremely aware of him, and something about that thought brought him a wave of juvenile satisfaction. 

“You okay?” Dick asked carefully when they had left the house behind far enough not to see even the lights anymore.

Lewis rested his forehead against the window and huffed. “Yeah, just dandy.”

Despite his stingy tone, Dick kept talking calmly and going through the same points he always did on nights like this. “I’m sorry it got like that again. It shouldn’t be like that among family.”

Notions like that were something Lewis despised the most. He knew how it was and there was no helping it, and if you asked his honest opinion them being family was what made it what is was. “Phah. You still don’t know us very well then, huh? It’s always like that and it’s never going to change.”

“Maybe distance will do you good, huh? Some time for yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t… drink so much then either,” Dick suggested with a carefully light voice as he made his little suggestions.

Lewis was quiet for a moment. “Are you going to judge me too?”

The mere suggestion made Dick start and he threw Lewis a wounded look. “No! Of course I’m not! But I do worry about you.”

“Worrying isn’t going to change shit.” It felt weirdly good to swear at Dick even though it never got a rouse out of him. Lewis felt like stomping his foot and throwing something, and even if Dick didn’t swear back, there was a tightening on his face. 

The summer night was dark and the road was empty for the most part, but a pickup truck passed them. The heavy smell of its bitter exhaust whiffed into the car through the cracked window, and for a moment the noise from the truck drowned out the radio. Dick squeezed the wheel tighter.

“Well,” he began again, forcefully calm and cheerful, “when we move away, you’ll see.”

“Oh my god, Dick,” Lewis groaned. The urge to stomp increased. “You think the old man will let me? Seriously, it’s a nice thought, but it’s never going to happen.”

Dick frowned and didn’t say anything for a moment. His forced cheer seemed to have evaporated, and Lewis felt a mean sort of satisfaction about that.

“But… But you’ve said… We’ve talked about it?” Dick uncertainly started.

Lewis rolled his eyes. Usually he liked how direct and down to earth Dick was, but his tendency to accept everything at face value was also a flaw. “Yeah, talking is nice. Wishing is nice too, I’ve only done it ever since I was a kid. It doesn’t actually do anything, but it’s nice.” 

Dick didn’t speak again but made a small noise in the back of his throat, and then jumped the breaks. For a moment Lewis looked for a deer on the road or in the corn fields but saw nothing, and then Dick was steering the car on the side of the road. They stopped, and Dick hastily shifted the gear off. The engine was still on and rumbling under them. 

There was no deer, and Lewis turned to Dick, frowning. Dick had a strange closed off expression on his face and both his hands still squeezed the wheel, his knuckles pale. He was taking shallow, pained breaths through his nose and staring ahead, blinking rapidly and a crease between his brows. 

Lewis could only stare. “Dick?”

“You promised,” Dick said quietly before Lewis could say anything more. His voice was thin and nothing like his usual stern manner, but small and accusing in a way Lewis hadn’t ever heard before. “You said we’d leave. You _know_ that I… I have tried to tell you how much it would mean to me, and… You really never even considered it? Why’d you lie to me like that?!”

“I’m not lying,” Lewis hurried to deny. The thought was alien to him. He’d never lie to Dick, that was one of the cornerstones of their friendship since day one: they never had to lie to each other. “But you know I can’t. I just… I can’t!” 

“You could!” Dick snapped, his voice rising so suddenly that Lewis flinched back. Dick was still talking to the road, and words were pouring out in a rush like a dam had broken, bitterer and bitterer. “You’re an adult and you could make your own decisions if you only tired! But you never do, and I’m so sick and tired of just – “ 

Suddenly Dick fell silent, like he had caught himself just in time before he said too much. Lewis shuddered. Every word had felt like a vicious needle, and having been stung by so many he was sitting up with his back rigid, his head suddenly clear and in fear of what more was to come. He leaned on the car door like a cornered animal who wished to fall through it and disappear into the field. 

Dick shook his head. “I’m just so… So tired of everything. I just want out. I _need_ to get out,” he said, fidgeting anxiously with his hands squeezing and loosening on the wheel. “Also, can’t you smell that? Where even are we?” he muttered, more and more to himself as he looked around the empty road and the fields on both sides.

Those words made an alarm go off in Lewis’ head. “We’re on the road home,” he replied slowly, “how about you let me drive us there, huh?”

“You can’t drive, Lewis. You’re too drunk. You’re always drunk,” Dick snapped while he turned his head to look in every direction, then lost his vitriol as fast as he had gained in, lay his forehead against the steering wheel and started to silently cry. 

For the first time in his life Lewis was frozen. He’d never seen Dick cry, hadn’t even considered he was a person prone to such action, but there he sat in their car on the side of a road in New Jersey and watched his shoulders shake and listened to his trembling breaths.

Lewis’ head cleared from more than whiskey as he watched Dick cry and felt helpless and childish. He had thought Dick this rock-solid figure in his life, strong and unwavering, someone whom he could rely on absolutely and never worry about him leaving, no matter how difficult things were or how moody Lewis got. But Dick was just a man, a young man with troubles of his own, no different from Lewis. 

How many times had Dick taken care of Lewis, listened to, supported and comforted him? Lewis would have lost count if he had taken count in the first place. He hadn’t thought Dick would need any of that back.

“Hey… Hey, it’s okay,” Lewis began without really knowing what he was doing, “just… take a deep breath.” After a moment of hesitation he reached out and set his hand on Dick’s shoulder and kept it there even when he initially startled at the contact. Lewis didn’t have an instinct for things like this, but he also realized retreat was not an option here. There was no one else here to solve the situation, and it was all up to him. He slowly stroked Dick’s trembling shoulders. 

“Take a breath. We’re almost home, you know this road, you’ve driven it a thousand times, and there’s no weird smells. It’s okay,” Lewis said and kept petting him. Dick actually managed to take a deep breath and let it out slightly calmer, and encouraged by this Lewis leaned over to his side to roll the window further down. “That’s it, just keep breathing. Can you smell the summer? It’s a beautiful night out, all calm and cool. Maybe the heat wave is finally easing off, huh? It’s almost harvest time. We’re going to have to take a whole weekend to first pick all the berries from the garden and then figure out what to do with them all.”

Steadily Dick got a hold of himself again as Lewis talked and stroked his back. Rationally Lewis knew he was still drunk, but not nearly as sluggish or meanspirited as he had allowed himself to be moments ago. He felt vibrantly aware in a way he couldn’t remember feeling in years. 

Eventually Dick stopped crying and with one more deep, calming breath turned his face towards Lewis again. More than anything he looked tired. “Thanks, Lew,” he said.

Lewis didn’t want to stop touching him. “Yeah, don’t mention it.”

“I wish you were like this more often,” Dick said so seriously Lewis felt embarrassed having earned a reprimand like that. There were no excuses or explaining that away, there was only facing his own underperformance as an equal partner and the shame that burned in the pit of his stomach.

Lewis nodded. He focused on the moment for a second so he would remember it the next day in all its painful clarity, then carefully leaned back to his side of the car. “When you feel ready, please drive us the rest of the way home. When we get there, you’ll go straight to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” 

Dick gave him an evaluating look that had something more to it. Despite everything, Lewis knew him well enough to recognize the hopefulness in it, and his heart withered at how reserved that light was, like Dick was used to being disappointed.

It was a few minutes longer before Dick straightened up again, wiped his face with purpose and shifted the gear on again, taking the car back on the road and continued on their way home. He seemed steady again, albeit he drove slower than necessary. The radio was on and wind was blowing through the open windows, but still the atmosphere in the car was heavy. 

Lewis felt like he had danced near a cliff for a few years at this point and only now realized that he could actually fall off. “I can do better,” he said when the atmosphere grew unbearable. 

Dick gave him a brief glance, and now instead of angry or reserved it was just sad. He had heard it before, Lewis realized. 

“I can be better, too. And I can see you need better, so that’s what I’ll give you,” Lewis insisted despite the look from the man who knew him the best and was obviously on the verge of giving up. Lewis felt dizzy like he was about to fall. 

Dick gave a silent sigh and a twitch of something that might have been a smile if it hadn’t been so utterly joyless. “I know you can,” he said gently. “But you’ve said that before.”

“I know,” Lewis said. “I know I have, but I really mean it this time. I’m not asking you to just take my word for it either, I’ll show you.”

“Right,” Dick sighed, kind but still reserved. “Starting tomorrow?”

“Starting ten minutes ago,” Lewis threw back, staring at the side of Dick’s face. 

Dick turned to look at him properly. For a few seconds he looked at Lewis with a new expression, something that Lewis was proud to have evoked, and then turned back to look at the long road ahead of them. 

“Yeah, okay, Lew,” Dick allowed. 

Lewis sensed the blind trust he was shown but felt the cliff all too near still. He was going to have to actually turn and walk away from it this time, because as clearly as he read Dick’s unspoken feelings, he also saw their extent. This was going to be the last chance he got.


End file.
